Jimmy Tomlin: When zombies attack...

Apr. 22, 2013 @ 01:00 AM

“Did you see ‘The Walking Dead’ last night?” a friend recently asked me.
“No,” I replied, “I don’t watch C-SPAN.”
You see, I assumed “The Walking Dead” was some sort of documentary about the plight of today’s Republican Party. Apparently, that was wrong.
“The Walking Dead,” for the uninitiated, is a TV show about zombies — and, more specifically, about a group of people trying to survive a zombie apocalypse, in which flesh-eating zombies are walking the earth in search of, well, flesh.
This show is VERY popular. I have a friend who routinely posts on Facebook, “I will be watching ‘The Walking Dead’ tonight — do NOT call me because I will NOT answer!! And I’m NOT kidding!!”
He’s so obsessed with zombies, I’m thinking he may actually BE a zombie. Probably not, but just in case, I have avoided taking my flesh anywhere near him ever since I learned of his obsession.
Zombies are very popular these days, and those who like zombie shows and zombie movies — you know who you are — share a common passion that we non-zombie fanatics cannot possibly understand. It’s a unique kind of “esprit de corpse.”
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Anyway, I got to thinking — never a good thing, by the way — and I wondered what it would be like if there really was a zombie apocalypse. What if High Point was suddenly swarming with thousands of pale, scary-looking undead beings, lumbering through the downtown streets of the city?
Yeah, I know, it sounds like the furniture market, but play along with me here.
I mean, if a zombie apocalypse really happened here, would you be prepared? Could you survive?
Well, never fear, because I’m here to help. I’ve done some research on zombies, and here are a few things you’ll need to know, just in case:
•Zombies are slow and not very agile — you know, kinda like the Charlotte Bobcats — so I suggest you invest in a new pair of running shoes so you’ll be able to outrun them.
•While zombies are known as flesh-eaters, many zombies are thought to feast only on brains. I don’t know about you, but I may be safe.
•Zombies have no personality whatsoever. Do not try to engage them in small talk, because your conversation will go something like this:
YOU: Soooo, what do you think the weather’s gonna do today?
ZOMBIE: Aaaaaaaaaaargh!! Cloudy, chance of brain ... mmmmmmmmmm!!
•According to the vast array of zombie movies that have been made, some female zombies apparently can manifest themselves as gorgeous women. Therefore, guys, if a hot chick comes on to you unexpectedly, don’t be fooled — she only wants you for your brain.
•Stay away from High Point University — the zombies over there will be extraordinarily dangerous. You’ll recognize them by their purple T-shirts.
•It’s difficult to kill a zombie because, well, because they’re already dead. You have to shoot the zombie in the head, thereby disabling its brain. But, of course, you must understand that even if you kill a zombie, it’s not really dead — that allows Hollywood to put out a sequel.
•Finally, if all else fails, leave town and head for our nation’s capital. You’ll be safe there, because even zombies know there are no brains in Washington, D.C.
jtomlin@hpe.com | 888-3579