Jimmy Tomlin: Facing your Facebook addiction
Welcome to “Addictions Uncensored,” where we introduce you to the strange world of modern addictions. Today, please join us as we take you to an Ohio support group meeting for Facebook addicts:
MODERATOR: Hi, my name is Jerry, and I’d like to welcome you to the inaugural meeting of Facebookaholics Anonymous.
First of all, let me applaud you for being here. Admitting you have a Facebook problem is the first step toward recovery, so you’re all to be commended for being here. I “like” your willingness to change, ha ha!
Furthermore, I realize the time you spend with me is time that you could be spending on Facebook, so thank you for making that sacrifice and ... um ... er, uh ... excuse me a moment. Ahem, I can see you, Mr. Fudgeripple — please put your smart phone away. You can “like” Mrs. Brunk’s photos AFTER our meeting. Thank you.
Now, one of the things we’re going to work on in this group is social interaction in public. For example, when you meet someone for the first time, you should say “Hi, how are you?” rather than “Hello, what’s your status?”
Another issue we’re going to address is — um — yes, Mr. Fudgeripple?
MR. FUDGERIPPLE: I’m drinking coffee!!
MR. SWINTON: So am I!!
MODERATOR: That’s great, gentlemen, but it’s really not necessary to update your status every five minutes. The rest of us really don’t need to know you’re drinking coffee. And besides, it slows down our meeting.
MR. FUDGERIPPLE: This coffee is awful!! Somebody take this java and shove it!!
MR. SWINTON: LOL!!
MODERATOR: That’s very clever, Mr. Fudgeripple. I’m sure your humor gets you lots of “likes” on Facebook. Now, let’s get back to the business at hand, shall we? As I was saying, we’re going to — um, what are you doing, Miss Garble?
MISS GARBLE: I’m taking a picture of Mr. Swinton’s coffee so I can post it on Facebook.
MODERATOR: Um, why?
MISS GARBLE: I don’t know. I just like posting pictures of food and beverages. Hey, is that a danish?
MRS. SNOOD: Back off, girlie, or you’ll be wearing that danish on your #$@!#%# head!! This is MY danish!!
MISS GARBLE: Oh, there she goes again with her right-wing politics. Let me guess — you earned that danish, and you don’t care about the poor people who can’t afford danishes of their own?
MRS. SNOOD: You’re one to talk!! I suppose it’s George Bush’s fault that those people can’t afford danishes, am I right?
MODERATOR: Ladies, ladies, please calm down — this isn’t Facebook. If you can’t be civil, I’ll have to “unfriend” you — I mean, um, ask you to leave.
MR. FUDGERIPPLE: I’m on my second cup of coffee!!
MR. SWINTON: So am I!!
MODERATOR: Please, folks, let’s come to order. You’re awfully quiet, Mr. Piper — would you like to say something?
MR. PIPER: No, thanks, I’m just lurking.
MRS. SNOOD: I’d like to say something if I may.
MRS. SNOOD: Does anybody know of any good home remedies for diarrhea? I’ve got it really bad!
MR. SWINTON: So do I!!
MODERATOR: Mrs. Snood! Mr. Swinton! That’s waaaaaaay too much information!
MRS. SNOOD: Well, excuuuuuse me, Mr. Etiquette Expert! My 1,428 friends on Facebook never seem to mind. I guess they’re more compassionate than you are!
MODERATOR: Ha! I bet you don’t know more than 100 of those people! You can’t even begin to — um, what are you doing now, Miss Garble?
MISS GARBLE: I’m taking a picture of myself to post on Facebook. It’s called a “selfie.”
MODERATOR: I know what a selfie is, Miss Garble, but you’ve already posted 21 selfies today. We get it — you think you’re pretty!
MR. FUDGERIPPLE: Hey, does anyone have any chickens? I’m playing Farmville!!
MODERATOR: OK, I think we’re done here. See you all next week. Um, Mr. Piper, aren’t you leaving?
MR. PIPER: Me? Nah, I’m hanging around for your Instagram support group meeting.
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