Jimmy Tomlin: No mourning for Miley

Sep. 08, 2013 @ 01:00 AM

Oh sure, it may look as if Miley Cyrus has lost her innocence, but I’m here to tell you that she’s still the girl next door.
Assuming you live next door to a strip club, that is.
Ever since Disney’s popular “Hannah Montana” went off the air in 2011, Miley has proclaimed one simple message: “I am NOT Hannah Montana anymore!”
If Dr. Seuss were telling her story, he’d tell it this way:

I do not like the name Montana,
I do not want to be called Hannah,
Not by your daughter, not by my Nanna,
Not by my fans in Indiana,
Not by you people full of Pollyanna,
Not by the rest of Americana,
Not by anyone from here to Havana,
I do not want to be called Hannah.

Unfortunately, Dr. Seuss is not telling Miley’s story. She’s telling it herself, and the way she chose to tell it was to go on stage at the Video Music Awards and prance around in skimpy clothing, doing a dance routine so vulgar that even porn stars were blushing.
Before we go any further, let me offer up a couple of quick confessions here:
• Confession No. 1: I actually liked “Hannah Montana.” Used to watch it with my daughters, and in the realm of programming for children, it was at least watchable. Always got a few chuckles out of it. And it was a real breath of fresh air compared to Barney, the purple dinosaur who often made me nauseous and whose theme song I still can’t get out of my head, despite years of therapy.
• Confession No. 2: I haven’t seen Miley’s dance in full — only the brief clips that were shown on the news, and that was more than enough to tell me I didn’t care about watching the whole act.
But here’s the thing: I know about Miley’s lewd dancing — it’s called “twerking,” for the uninitiated out there — because it was ON THE NEWS!
Poor news anchors all over the country had to read this cue card: “Still to come on Action News, more violence in Egypt, and chemical weapons have killed more than a thousand people in Syria. But first, check out the dance Miley Cyrus did at the Video Music Awards last night! Whooooooo-boy, can you believe what she’s wearing?!”
On the news. I mean, really? Miley’s loss of innocence is newsworthy?
No, she’s just another former child star — in a long line of former child stars — gone bad.
Britney Spears was a Mouseketeer on “The Mickey Mouse Club” until she became a teenager and started dressing like, well, like Miley Cyrus. Drew Barrymore played the cute kid in “E.T.” and then developed a cocaine habit by age 12. Lindsay Lohan was another of the young Disney princesses until she went bad and ... well, what HASN’T she done? Dana Plato starred on “Diff’rent Strokes” as a child, only to grow up and pose for Playboy and die of a drug overdose.
We’ve seen this act before, so what’s new here? What’s so shocking here?
I’ll tell you what’s really shocking — it’s the fact that Miley’s little dance is newsworthy at all, while the real news plays second fiddle to her.
And, honestly, that fact says very little about Miley Cyrus, but it says an awful lot about the rest of us.