Jimmy Tomlin: Crazy like an aunt - er, um, ant

Jun. 11, 2013 @ 02:43 PM

I recently overheard a report on CNN about crazy aunts, and how they’ve become a serious threat to overrun the South.
The report really caught my attention, because I have a crazy aunt myself. It’s true — my Aunt Lulu, God bless her, is crazy as a cuckoo — and I couldn’t agree more that a bunch of crazy aunts like my Aunt Lulu infesting the Southeast would probably not be a good thing for anybody.
I mean, can you imagine a world overrun by 60-year-old women in pink sweatsuits, shrieking about how their can of hairspray is trying to kill them?
OK, maybe that’s just MY aunt.
Still, you get the point. Even here in the South, where we’ve already pretty much cornered the market on crazy aunts, we don’t need another infestation.
Anyway, the report caught my attention, so I glanced at the TV and was shocked to see they were interviewing an entomologist about how to prevent the infestation of the crazy aunts. I mean, my Aunt Lulu may be crazy, but it’s not as if she’s stinging small children or breaking into people’s kitchens and stealing their bread crumbs.
Then it hit me: Crazy ants, not crazy aunts. Oh.
Apparently, there’s a species of ant known as the crazy ant. This sounds redundant to me — I believe all ants are crazy — but that’s what they’re called, and they’re allegedly wiping out entire colonies of fire ants down around Texas. Which is, well, crazy.
At my home, we’ve had trouble with ants from time to time. We would purchase a commercial ant killer in our quest to get rid of the little critters, but they would come right back, so we’d try another one. Then another. Then another.
We were desperate. I would’ve put up a barbed-wire fence if I could’ve found any barbed wire tiny enough. I would’ve put miniature “No Trespassing” signs around the perimeter of the house, but I don’t think ants can read.
Finally, we found a solution on the Internet.
Yes, I was suspicious at first, because people say you can’t trust everything you read on the Internet. I know this is true, because when I was looking for a remedy for toenail fungus, one website suggested I purchase the Eureka Home Enema Kit for only $19.95, and my fungus would be gone within two days.
Ridiculous, right?
And, surprise, it didn’t work. Worst 20 bucks I ever spent.
But I digress.
So anyway, a website claimed the solution for killing ants was cornstarch. Forget expensive poisons and baits and sprays and all that stuff — just put out some cornstarch wherever the ants are coming in the house, and it’ll kill them.
The problem with this, of course, is that it looks like you’ve been doing a line of cocaine right there on the floor — not exactly the image you want to portray to your houseguests.
But guess what? It killed the ants, and we had enough left over to whip up some biscuits.
Which we gave to my Aunt Lulu.
We haven’t seen her since.
jtomlin@hpe.com | 888-3579