How bad was 2012?

Well, it wasn't the end of the world
Dec. 30, 2012 @ 01:00 AM

I’ve got good news and bad news about 2012.
The good news is that the Mayans were wrong, and the world did not end on Dec. 21, as the ancient Mayan calendar supposedly predicted.
The bad news is that, well, the Mayans were wrong, and the world did not end on Dec. 21, as the ancient Mayan calendar supposedly predicted, which means I’m now obligated to write my annual year-in-review humor column. Had the apocalypse come, I wouldn’t have had to write this column, and I would’ve had the perfect excuse to tell my editor should the two of us bump into each other in heaven.
I mean, you know, if editors actually went to heaven. Let’s just move on, shall we?
So anyway, here we are at the end of 2012, a year so wild not even the Mayans could’ve predicted it. Here’s our look back at “2012: The Year That Was.”

JANUARY
The Iowa caucus kicks off a spirited year of presidential campaigning in which throngs of voters will go to the polls to answer the hotly debated question, “What the #$!@#!&*#$ is a caucus?” Future Republican nominee Mitt Romney does well in the caucus, despite criticism over the oft-repeated — and completely true — story that he once went on his family vacation with his dog riding in a carrier strapped to the roof of the car.

FEBRUARY
Monkees heartthrob Davy Jones dies of a heart attack, sending millions of former teenage girls into mourning. Don’t worry, though — he’ll be in heaven, because he’s a believer. Not a trace of doubt in my mind.
Pop singer Whitney Houston, after struggling with drugs throughout her adult life, dies the way so many of us feared she would die — strapped to the roof of a car on her family vacation.

MARCH
A book of erotica, titled “Fifty Shades of Grey,” takes the nation’s women by storm, though many of them will pretend not to be interested in the book. “I read it four times, and I still don’t understand the appeal,” numerous women say. “Maybe I should read it again. Is it hot in here?”

APRIL
Several U.S. Secret Service agents are accused of partying with prostitutes during a business trip to Colombia, giving new meaning to the term “Secret Service.” In a related story, former President Bill Clinton sends his resumé to the Secret Service.

MAY
In Greensboro, two-time presidential candidate John Edwards is acquitted of charges accusing him of soliciting funds to help cover up his tawdry affair and subsequent love child. Following his acquittal, an emotional Edwards admits to his moral failings and says he finds it hard to look at himself in the mirror — which, by the way, has freed up a lot of extra time in his day.

JUNE
Katie Holmes files for a divorce from Tom Cruise, inspiring a nationwide epidemic of “Show me the money!” jokes.

JULY
Actor Sherman Hemsley (of “The Jeffersons” fame) dies, moves on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky.

AUGUST
The 2012 Summer Olympics in London are rocked by scandal when eight women’s badminton players are disqualified for blatantly attempting to throw their matches, an accusation made easy by the women’s horrific acting skills during their so-called competition. In a related story, WWE promoter Vince McMahon asks the eight disgraced badminton players if they would like to become professional wrestlers.
The Republican National Convention takes a comical turn when actor Clint Eastwood appears on stage with an empty chair and pretends to speak to an imaginary Barack Obama. Things turn serious, though, when Mitt Romney suggests strapping the chair to the roof of his car.

SEPTEMBER
Mild frustration gradually turns to anger over the NFL’s use of replacement referees — employed because of a labor dispute with the regular refs — as it becomes clear the replacements are not qualified to do the job. The controversy boils over when two referees, during a nationally televised broadcast, disagree over whether there was anyone sitting in that chair beside Clint Eastwood.

OCTOBER
The presidential election heats up with a series of televised debates, one of which includes Mitt Romney’s surreal mention of “binders full of women.” Turns out Romney’s “binders full of women” phrase actually refers to the Secret Service’s agenda in Colombia.

NOVEMBER
After months and months of intense campaigning, the presidential election ends with voters deciding that the only seat of Obama’s that Romney can fill is the one Clint Eastwood brought on stage with him at the Republican National Convention.
A CNN poll reveals that 83 percent of the NFL’s replacement referees, upon further review, believe Mitt Romney actually defeated Barack Obama.

DECEMBER
The world breathes a sigh of relief when Dec. 21 comes and goes with no sign of the apocalypse predicted by the ancient Mayan calendar. Turns out it’s not the world that’s ending, but the production of Twinkies — which, to many of us, is pretty much the same thing.

Well, that’s it for 2012. Stay tuned to see what wackiness is in store for 2013. In the meantime, if you strap anything to the roof of your car, please please please avoid the tunnels. Thank you.
jtomlin@hpe.com | 888-3579